Our TTC journey so far

So we've been trying to conceive for 13 cycles without success. In the beginning, I was feeling excited and optimistic, but these beautiful feelings turned into sadness, frustration, fear, and anxiety over time.

By this point, I was hoping I would've seen that beautiful pink line on one of the many, many tests I bought. Unfortunately for us, it hasn't happened. Here's our TTC journey so far.

I guess I should start from the beginning... My partner and I have been together for 18 years. For years on end, we didn't talk about starting a family as we were 1) quite young - I was 16 when we first started dating - and 2) he made it clear it wasn't in his life plan to have children. I was of the same opinion for a long time. Then, 5-7 years ago, I started to change my mind and started dreaming about the lovely family we could have. Many discussions were had since and we were close to getting started when the opportunity to move to Australia came. We couldn't say no to that and we agreed to put our family project on the back burner.

We lived in Australia for two years and came back to Canada in 2014. My dad unexpectedly passed away on June 28 of the same year. This brought the conversation back to life and a year later, my partner agreed to really start trying.

In the first few months of trying to conceive, we (I) decided not to take things too seriously. We just had sex whenever we felt like it and didn't use anything special to help with conception. From the 6th cycle, I started to think maybe a little nudge was needed so I bought ovulation tests, a BBT thermometer and fertility-boosting tea. Nothing... I then added Vitex and then Maca Root to the regimen. Nothing... I then started using TTC friendly lube during my fertile week. Still nothing...

I've just started my period now which marks the 14th cycle of trying to conceive. I thought stress was the big impeding factor here, but then I was on holiday for 3 weeks, has frequent sex during my fertile weeks and still wasn't pregnant in the end. Now I know that there is a 20-25% of conceiving in any given cycle, but I'm growing increasingly worried that there's something wrong with me...

I kind of had this thought in the back of my mind that if we can't naturally conceive, it would be because we're not supposed to be parents. At first, I didn't even want to go through any sort of testing to see if everything's normal. I somewhat changed my tune now and I want to at least know if it's even worth trying any longer. Each period becomes more  heartbreaking than the last. I don't know that I want to put myself through this for another year.

I finally gathered all of my courage and I'm going to see my doctor on Monday morning. I'm hoping I can get the required testing done quickly. Best case scenario, I'm perfectly fine or I do have an issue that is easily fixed. If it turns out that IVF or IUI is our only hope, I still don't think I'll go down that route but I will at least know what's what.

Am I afraid of what may come out of this testing? Absolutely! Would I be able to accept being told I'm infertile? Heck, I would probably cry hearing the news and wouldn't be surprised if I fall into a deep depression... I still feel like I need to go forward with this though. Knowing is half the battle after all...